Manhood

There’s a great article in the Art of Manliness blog on how suburban life can destroy your manliness. In it the author argues:

“The danger that living in the suburbs is simply that there is no danger…it’s completely safe. Constant and complete control is a silent, but deadly killer.”

and:

“maybe the truest calling of man lies in the wilderness of life; in learning to thrive in the environments where complete control is not possible.”

So, do we need wildness in our lives? I reckon that’s true. We need meaningful challenges (full of unknowns, and with a sense of journey) in our lives to be happy.

This is quite a conundrum. Unless you’re a fully-actualised human, we need struggle to be complete. Not little piddly things like struggling to find a carpark, and not aimless struggles like repeated arguments with a partner or a family member. I mean big struggles: raising a kid, building a house, learning a new skill, writing a novel, solo travelling, meditation retreats, martial arts.

It’s a conundrum because it doesn’t end. It’s a cycle. Unless perhaps you get off it like old Buddha talked about.

Once we’ve conquered that task, we need another one. Look at people who have achieved all they want to achieve. Do they seem completely happy? Content to rest on their laurels until they die?

And I’m not talking about ‘onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war’. I’m talking as much about ’sitting quietly, doing nothing.’ It can be a massive challenge to sit quietly with yourself, and navigate the wildness of one’s own mind. We don’t want to fill our lives with petty tasks and goals that we tick off the list one-by-one. We need  life-changing experiences, things that trip us up unexpectedly and make us change how we do things. Some turmoil. We need this to feel like we’re going somewhere, or we’ve been somewhere; that there’s movement in our lives.

I listened to Jesse Martin (that young guy who sailed solo around the world as an 18-year-old), talk about the lure of adventure. He said if you’re out sailing on calm waters and you see a lovely sunset, well that’s nice. But it’s a whole other thing to see a sunset break across a calm ocean if you’ve just sailed through a storm.

Tags: career, danger, identity, needs, struggle, suburban existence

Just received this comment from a reader:

“I’m a doctoral student, and thinking about writing about fathers of young children (0-5) especially those getting more involved with their care. I’m wondering whether men these days include their caregiving of children as a major part of their identities or not. I’d love your thoughts on this.

Is religion or spirituality a resource/problem for you, if so how?

I’d love to hear more about how you’re making sense of being a father.”

Well, for me caring for my child and being a father is a major part of my identity. But I think I’m unusual as a man in my intense keenness to be a carer. I always dreamt of being a stay-at-home dad and marrying a career woman who’d make all the money! Thank god that didn’t quite happen because I don’t know how I would cope as a full-time carer, even for one child! I find it comparatively relaxing to head off to work instead of doing the one-on-one caring thing. (Though this has changed a lot since my son has turned 2, it’s now much easier to look after him myself!)

Generally, I’d say men are taking on the role of active-fathers in their own identities. However, I think this can be quite confusing for some men, because we like the idea of being active carers, but when it comes to it we can feel inadequate and unsupported. There’s no fathers’ groups (that I know of) like the ubiquitous mothers’ groups. Men can feel unsure how to do things properly, and are not so good at asking for help. Generally, even though I would have hated to say this 5 years ago, I feel like men’s brains (and bodies) are hardwired to baulk at primary caregiving for the first 6-12  months (maybe longer), even if we like the idea. I’m sure there are some great primary caring dads out there… but I reckon they’d have felt like they were swimming against the tide most of the time.

In terms of religion/spirituality, that hasn’t really entered my parental role at all. However, I reckon we’re missing a lot of ritual from our modern lives. Maybe some of the rituals in times gone by have helped men to make sense of their fatherhood. I’m not really sure because I’m so distanced from such a culture. What do others think?

Tags: fatherhood, identity, parenting, spirituality

A bunch of men have responded positively to this site. Others seem uncomfortable about it.

Some laugh at the idea, stripping the whole notion of manhood down to one organ: ‘Oh, showing off your manhood eh? How big is your manhood anyway?’

Another friend has warned me against doing the site… saying I should be careful not to offend women by presenting as some male vigilante. Hmmm, I don’t think this site is particularly incendiary or offensive, is it?

Surely (most) women would appreciate men talking about men’s stuff, in a measured, emotionally-open way, rather than just at the pub (drunk) or on the field (adrenalised or drunk afterwards).

Is manhood really that taboo?

Tags: gender differences

Ok lads, I’m interested in stuff that’s had the biggest influence on you becoming a man!

What are the Top 5 books/films/plays etc that have had the biggest impact on you? Ones that have made you the man you are? And who was the hero/role model in the story?

Toby C’s texts that changed him:

• The Ages of Gaia by James Lovelock.
• Energy, ecology and economics, Royal Swedish Academy of Science by Howard Odum.
• Manufacting consent, by Noam Chomsky
• Any of the Biggles books by W.E. Johns
• Uh-oh…

Step’s texts that changed him:

• Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain
• Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky
• Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
• Magician by Raymond E. Feist
• The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas

Toby B’s texts that changed him:

• Jacksons Track by Daryl Tonkin                        – Daryl himself (My Australian hero)
• Lord of the Rings by Tolkien                                – Tom Bombadil (I want his life/wife)
• Mists of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley – King Arthur (respect the feminine… or else!)
• Return of the Jedi by George Lucas                  – Luke and Darth (Ultimate Father/Son tale)
• Manhood by Steve Biddulph                                  (credit where it’s due!)

Jamie’s texts that changed him:

• Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela
• Lord of the Rings by Tolkien                               – Gandalf
• Gandhi by Richard Attenborough                    - Mahatma Gandhi
• Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl
• Star Wars by George Lucas                                  – Yoda

Rob F’s five influential texts:

A Wizard of Earthsea – A boy undergoes a transformation from a weak orphan to one of the most powerful wizards who has ever lived, but in doing so he must face his inner demons.

Quote: “Manhood is patience; mastery is nine times patience.”

The Pushcart War – A small and motley group of pushcart sellers in a big city fight their own obsolescence and the bullying behaviour of truck-drivers. They embark on a campaign of blowing darts surreptitiously into truck tyres – now this is the sort of guerrilla anti-imperialism tactics that I like!

The Leopard – A Sicilian aristocrat realises his own class is becoming obsolescent, replaced by the rapacious, tasteless merchant class of the nouveau riche. The Leopard is a man of many contrasts – for example, he repeatedly sleeps with a girl who is not his wife but is disgusted with himself each time after doing so – but essentially to me deeply admirable, and through all the upheaval he manages to maintain his own sense of integrity. The novel ends with the Prince’s own death, which is, solipsistically, like the death of the whole world. He can feel his own life force cascading out of him “with a spiritual roar like that of the Rhine Falls”. Now that’s poetic writing!

The Slap – Recent and much-talked-of but still powerful text about our current society. Theoretically the author takes a neutral stance; but in reality it is quite clear to me with which characters Tsiolkas’s sympathies lie: the book is ultimately an argument against the sort of mollycoddling, child-centred, politically correct society we have become, which has resulted in the almost complete emasculation of many male members (of society, that is!).

American Beauty – The film. An emasculated man living in the sort of society mentioned above, where the cleanliness of your couches and the neatness of the roses in your front yard are all that matter, breaks out, transforms himself and becomes a man again. In this case, his red-blooded manliness is manifested through a crush he has on an impossibly perfect and nubile teenager.

* * *

Ed – For a great list of manly books, have a look here at 100 Must-Read Books: The Essential Man’s Library

Tags: books, films, influences

Recently, someone wrote this to me:

“All I know for sure is that [my partner] depends on me in certain key ways (as I depend on her in others) and that this strength she relies on in me represents my manliness and a crucial part of my identity. Those who dispute the existence of this dependence are questioning my very role and identity in my family and in life – almost the whole point of my existence, you could say – and hers as well - and this is why I too am likely to get a bit het up in such debates when feminists and snags argue that there is no differences between men and women.”

Do most women look for strong males? Probably. But I wonder how many men look for strong women. I know I looked for (and found) a strong woman. As Cat Stevens pined, I like a hard-headed woman.

Do men usually see their own strength as a critical aspect of their masculinity? Probably too. I must be a real softie, because I don’t think I do particularly.

And when we say ’strength’ what do we mean? Physical strength. That does tend to be a masculine trait. Emotional strength? Verbal strength? Holding-the-family-together strength? Are men usually stronger, or women? I guess it comes down to semantics.

I love the idea of shared strength, and also making a balance between ’strengths’ so that you can rely on your partner for some things, and they on you for others. You can’t be good at everything, can you?

This friend of mine argues that we’ve created a kind of ‘New Androgyny‘ these days, where we teach kids that there’s no difference between the genders. He reckons this thinking is espoused by sensitive new age types, feminists and the school and uni system, and he thinks it’s dangerous and wrong.

I’m not so sure. I reckon society in general still promotes the differences rather than covers it up, and I imagine feminist philosophy would argue a strong difference exists. But I do wonder if young men and women get more confused these days, wondering what they should be and how they should act… since our roles are so much more confused and convoluted than what they would have been thousands of years ago (or even 50 years).

And I guess there is a kind of new androgyny in parenting at least. Men (like me!) are keen to be seen as ‘able’ parents and some seem to care less about careers and more about family time, while (some) women may be more keen to show they’re ‘career women’ and less concerned about mothering etc.

Tags: gender differences, motherhood, new androgyny, parenting, relationships

I love this story in Steve Biddulph’s Manhood:

“Our system has one outstanding way of holding men in place – it’s called a mortgage. When you go for that vital interview at the bank you walk out with a a hundred thousand dollars. It’s a miracle, but something else happens, something they don’t tell you about. You leave a testicle behind!”

And as Sam de Brito says, what about “taking out four, five and six hundred thousand dollar mortgages? That’s both testicles, your tackle and one bum cheek – goooone.”

Do we take the basic premise seriously? Do certain things make us ‘less male’, or half the man we could/should be? Are most men in a half-alive state, as Biddulph argues. What would make us fully alive? Going out on hunting trips? Drinking beer with a bunch of mates? Sleeping with multiple women? What are we doing if we’re fully intact males? Makes you wonder…

And how much is your testicle worth anyway? And what about the true price of other things?

If a mortgage is worth one testicle, is buying a fancy car worth half a testicle? Or does that add to our manhood?!

I have a feeling that being ‘chained to the desk’ of an office job makes you half the man you could be (or less). So, if we’re working full time just to pay off some new car, or iPhone, or TV, then perhaps we’re losing our manhood for the sake of some crappy gadgets that we don’t even need. Perhaps we should work a little less, get a less fancy car, and spend some time being real men (once we discover what that is, of course).

And guys, remember: Don’t lose your balls on a whim!

Tags: career, money, needs, testicles, work

Thanks for sharing your story Step.
My daughter is now 8 years old, and I’ve brought her up half time since parting ways with her mother about 5 years ago.  50/50 care was a given for me even though it was hard.  At least I have always worked part time so it was not too hard to reorganise work schedules.

I love my daughter but I can’t pretend that it has all been easy, or that I haven’t wanted more space to myself sometimes.  The post breakup lonely time with a 3 year old who just wanted to play was gruelling.

I feel like our relationship is flowering ever more now.  There are still rough times.  She is also more capable of analysing situations for herself now and coming up with independent conclusions.  Being compared to her mother is often difficult.  But she has to know that there are simply different rules in different households.

I resonate with a lot that you have just said even though my child is at a different stage in life.

Tags: daughters, fatherhood, relationships

I have my 2-year-old son by myself every Wednesday (today) for our ‘Daddy Day’. It’s a great thing to do. Without it, I don’t think I’d know him half as well and it’s (mostly) a heap of fun. We roam around town and the countryside causing mischief and mayhem, often with our two dogs in tow. I always laugh more than usual, and he always manages to teach me something for the day.

Despite how good it is, I can’t imagine caring for him full time. I’ve always been desparate to be a dad, and I used to dream of being a stay-at-home, full-time carer (perhaps married to some high-flying professional woman!), however I reckon it would drive me bonkers, plus it’s a harder work than paid work.

Are men good at being full-time Dads? I wonder. I’m sure there are some out there…

Can’t wait to see the Boys Are Back (Aussie film about single dad bringing up 3 boys).

Tags: daddy day, fatherhood, parenting, work

I’ve often cone across literature that suggests men don’t truly become men until they’re 35. In fact I read a lovely quote from Cezanne the other day who said, “Until the age of forty I lived a bohemian: I wasted my life. It was only later that I developed a taste for work.”

I find this interesting, because all through my twenties I was influenced by the idea that we shouldn’t work, that somehow work was a distraction from what we were really on this earth to do. Which was…who knew?

I now deeply value the discipline of work and the satisfaction it brings. I relate very strongly to Step’s considerations of being “useful.” Work is useful. It helps others, contributes to the well being of those around us, even to the whole world. I’m 33 right now and a painter, and I appreciate now that hard work will be the only way for me to realize myself.

In fact, I should say that it is through hard work that I feel “realized”. I’ll let Cezanne sum up: “I always work, and I don’t let the reviewers and the critics worry me: just what a true artist should do. Work will eventually prove me right.”

Perhaps it’s only in our mid thirties that this seems to make sense. I suspect this transition from self-centred bohemian to selfless worker is what marks our actual passage to manhood.

Tags: career, needs, work

Ok, here’s some things I reckon men want. I want to build on this list as time goes on, but it’s a quick start:

Feeling useful

Show me a happy man and I’ll show you a man who feels like they’re a useful part of society.

Future plans / forward momentum

We all want to feel like we’re moving forwards in some ways, or at least we have some plans ahead. Unless you’ve got a zen-like ability to live fully in the present moment, we all like to have good future thoughts and plans.

Power

I don’t mean power over another person (although many men will strive for this), but we want power of some sort. Even if it’s the power to make some money to support the family (probably goes back to the need to be the clan ‘hunter’, you know?). Even if it’s just the power to tinker with woodwork or fix the family car. If we feel powerless, we’re lost.

Respect

We need to feel respect from others for what we do and who we are. This is an integral part of our ego. It could be from a partner, a child, a parent, workmates or those we teach, or hopefully all of them. I think we need to feel respect from important people no longer with us. Even though my gran has died, I still carry in my mind that she had some respect for me, and that’s important to me. If I felt like she thought I was a basket case I would have that as a niggling concern forever. I think respect from your parents and partner must be the most important.

Love & Affection

Surely we all want this!

Support

Men need support for what we do, whether it’s from our parents, friends, colleagues or partner.

Solo time

All men need solo time. I don’t know why, but it’s part of our make-up

Time with other men

It’s so good for us to be with other men. Whether it’s a night out with some mates, playing games or sports together, or just hanging out playing guitar and philosophising.

Joy

We all need joy in our lives. We may get it through laughter, dance, sex, sport, gardening, painting or playing with kids. Joy is at the upper end of the ‘flow activities‘. I think joy is quite different from the next one, which is highly sought but often more fleeting:

Ecstasy

Men strive for ecstasy. I’m talking mostly about sex, but I’m also talking about other activities that can bring us ecstasy: religion, meditiation, painting, sports, even driving a car can have an ecstatic quality. We can spend our whole lives seeking out these moments of ecstasy, even if they’re fleeting.

…what else?

Tags: desires, needs