thoughts on fatherhood
Just received this comment from a reader:
“I’m a doctoral student, and thinking about writing about fathers of young children (0-5) especially those getting more involved with their care. I’m wondering whether men these days include their caregiving of children as a major part of their identities or not. I’d love your thoughts on this.
Is religion or spirituality a resource/problem for you, if so how?
I’d love to hear more about how you’re making sense of being a father.”
Well, for me caring for my child and being a father is a major part of my identity. But I think I’m unusual as a man in my intense keenness to be a carer. I always dreamt of being a stay-at-home dad and marrying a career woman who’d make all the money! Thank god that didn’t quite happen because I don’t know how I would cope as a full-time carer, even for one child! I find it comparatively relaxing to head off to work instead of doing the one-on-one caring thing. (Though this has changed a lot since my son has turned 2, it’s now much easier to look after him myself!)
Generally, I’d say men are taking on the role of active-fathers in their own identities. However, I think this can be quite confusing for some men, because we like the idea of being active carers, but when it comes to it we can feel inadequate and unsupported. There’s no fathers’ groups (that I know of) like the ubiquitous mothers’ groups. Men can feel unsure how to do things properly, and are not so good at asking for help. Generally, even though I would have hated to say this 5 years ago, I feel like men’s brains (and bodies) are hardwired to baulk at primary caregiving for the first 6-12 months (maybe longer), even if we like the idea. I’m sure there are some great primary caring dads out there… but I reckon they’d have felt like they were swimming against the tide most of the time.
In terms of religion/spirituality, that hasn’t really entered my parental role at all. However, I reckon we’re missing a lot of ritual from our modern lives. Maybe some of the rituals in times gone by have helped men to make sense of their fatherhood. I’m not really sure because I’m so distanced from such a culture. What do others think?